A Mother's Devastation

My son Aaron was a student at the Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio. On Memorial Day of 1999, I got a call from the Steubenville police asking me if I knew where my son was. This was the question that changed my life and began the nightmare that tragically, so many have experienced.  In shocked response, I answered that I had just spoken to Aaron the day before, and he was fine. But I knew something was terribly wrong.

Why was he calling? What happened? Where was Aaron? The detective told me very little. What he did tell me was that Aaron and his roommate Brian were not in their house and that blood had been found in Aaron’s room. “How much blood,” I said, the words coming out of terror and disbelief. “How much blood?” The detective couldn’t say.

When I hung up the phone, my head was spinning and I felt the life draining out of me. What was happening? How could this happen? What does this mean?

Our families gathered in Steubenville to find Aaron and Brian. We searched for them for five days until we finally found their bodies under two white wild rose bushes. The story that unfolded was that two young men broke into Aaron and Brian’s off campus house while they were sleeping, terrorized them, forced them into Brian’s mother’s car, took them to the woods of Pennsylvania nearby and shot them. Apparently, they did not know Aaron and Brian, but they did know they were college students. This, the prosecutor said, was a burglary gone terribly wrong.

In the years that followed, my grief was overwhelming, the first year in particular. While I was already a therapist and had many coping skills, this would be my greatest test.  Would I survive?

Those who have experienced the violent death of someone loved know how devastating it is. There are often no words to describe this awful journey of grief you must undertake.

About five years after Aaron’s murder, I began to feel better,-- noticeably better. I began to look forward to life and believe that in fact, good things could happen again. I looked back and realized there were certain things that happened along the way that helped me. I had heard many stories through the years in my work with survivors of violence.

In 2005, I started writing a book, which was published in 2006 by Avalon. It is called A Grief Like No Other;Surviving The Violent Death of Someone You Love. The book presents a seven stage model to help us make our journey across the ocean of grief. It is written for survivors and caregivers, service providers and friends, who want to understand and help. Thebook brings comfort and path for the journey of healing.

The loss of a child to senseless murder is never something anyone anticipates or wants to be a part of, but when you find yourself in this place, there are so many questions about life, purpose, and how to continue on. My personal journey of survival has meant connecting with other survivors – some of the most incredible and inspirational people. May you find peace and company with us, knowing you are never alone.