Todd Bowers, veteran

Family Safety: A Significant Concern for Returning Veterans and Their Families
Capitol Hill, Washington, DC, Cannon Caucus Room (CHOB 345)
October 24, 2008

Remarks submitted by Todd Bowers, Director of Government Affairs, Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America and veteran

I don't know why I even brought this; it's pretty much just for decoration. Right now I'm pretty much going to be talking right off the cuff. Right - I'm going to take my hat off. I know some of you know me as the Director of Government Affairs for the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America. But I'm going to take my hat off right now and I'm just going to be Todd Bowers so I can speak very candidly about some of the experiences I had when I came home.

I kind of had an interesting military career. When I graduated high school I was a little bit lost and didn't know where I was going to end up. My father had been a marine and when I first approached my parents and said, "Listen, this is something I feel strongly about. I really want to do this," and my father said, "That's fine but just understand you'll never be the same person again and it'll be for the better." I hold that very dear.

I'm very proud to be a Marine, I love my service, and I'll be a Marine for as long as I possibly can be. But I knew that taking that big jump, now granted this was about ten years ago, we were in a very different climate and I knew that the jump I was making could eventually change and sure enough it did on September 11, 2001. Everybody in the military - their lives drastically changed at that point.

One of the things that I knew was that I would be facing the possibility of danger. But there was a danger that I never really learned about and that was that the experiences that I would face with regard to mental health injuries and things along those lines. On my first deployment in Iraq, I was on the initial invasion force that pushed all the way up from Kuwait into Baghdad. It was a life-altering experience. We were the battalion that actually found the Jessica Lynch convoy and supported her rescue. But we had a very different job. We conducted civil military operations where our entire role was to reduce civilian interference with combat operations and that sounds very difficult to do when the bullets are obviously flying. But our entire role was to keep the civilians alive and to make sure that we leave them with stability once the combat is over.

I remember the first time when I physically saw someone dealing with combat stress. It was a captain that was with the battalion that I was serving with and we pushed back, pushed north of Al Mazareah. And while we were stopped there, mortar started to come in and everybody was frantically looking for a place to hide, to get behind the humvees, and I looked up and I saw this individual who was opening up an MRE on the hood of the humvee as the mortars were coming in and I went back and forth with another MCO and we said, "What's he doing?" and we sort of came to the conclusion that that's the toughest marine we've ever seen. Bombs are coming in and he's having chicken cavatelli on the hood of the humvee. We eventually got up after yelling at the captain and realized that he was completely glazed over and had no idea, didn't know where he was or what was happening at that time. We walked him over, almost like a child, to a fighting hole and sat him down and he kept eating his MRE.

It shocked me because it was something I was not ready to deal with or ready to experience. But it was at that moment that I realized that even the strongest, toughest individuals can face these difficult times. That it's sometimes just overwhelming.

But the hardest thing to be able to convey to people, what we at the IAVA are adamant about, is that it is not a permanent injury. You can seek treatment. I often tell my Marines if you're having difficulty adjusting, you need to be able to put a bandage on that wound and keep going forward. The same goes with mental health injuries. You can seek treatment you can persevere over what you're dealing with. You can become a stronger Marine, in my eyes, if you do that.

On my second deployment, it was very different than my first deployment. I was assigned to the lovely city of Al Fallujah during the push of November, 2004. If you all haven't been there, please visit. It's gorgeous. But it was very difficult conducting civil military operations there. While I was there on one of our patrols, we were ambushed and, being a relatively good shooter, I was placed up on the front lines to try and engage snipers that were firing at us. It was during that time that I realized there was a civilian car that had gotten caught in the crossfire and I was able to see through my scope that there was an individual that was still alive in the vehicle. Well, the civil affairs switch turned on and I said I need to get to those folks and I need to help them out. As I was trying to get over there, a sniper got real lucky and he basically hit me on the left side of my face. The sniper's round hit the top of my rifle and the bullet sort of came apart. And other than not being able to hear out of my left ear or see a good portion out of my left eye, I consider myself extremely fortunate to be here right now. It also comes in handy because I call that "my girlfriend's side" so when she's yelling at me, I just place her over there (laughter). It helps me deal with some of the stresses.

But that single incident that happened to me, I did not know would revisit me every day for the rest of my life. I wasn't prepared for that. It's not a bad thing and it's not a good thing. It's just something you deal with in combat. But for me what made it very significant was what happened when I came home. One thing I always wanted to do was to stay at the Watergate Hotel. So I used the satellite phone, thank you for the tax dollars – I know it's not really the right thing to do but - I used the satellite phone and I made a reservation at the Watergate for when I came back from Fallujah. That's what I wanted to do. I just thought that would be a great thing.

My family came back; they lived in Arizona at the time and they stayed with me, including my sister. Now, my sister is much older than me; we had the typical sibling relationship. She's seven years older than me and she'd beat the crap out of me until that one day when I got bigger and it stopped there. We've always been great friends. We get along incredibly. I talk to her just about every night. But something happened when I came home with my sister and I've never really spoken about this before and it's a little uncomfortable to do so now so you'll have to bear with me. But my sister and I, on the third night that I was home, were hanging out at the Watergate and we were talking about things and she was conveying to me how frustrated she was that I was planning on staying in the Marine Corps and continuing to seek deployments. She told me about the difficulties she had while she was at home and dealing with my parents and the difficulties they had while I was deployed.

An argument ensued and the next thing I knew she had hit me in the face and, as some of the Marines can attribute to, I did what is called "snatching someone up." I grabbed my sister, held her off the ground and screamed at her in a way that I can't take back. That was hard and that was very difficult for me because I realized that I had changed in a way that I wasn't prepared to change and I did permanent damage with my sister. She wanted to be here today actually but (pause, I'm sorry...whew) She was going to be here today and we were going to discuss this because it was very difficult for us to push through this.

What I had done is very common for Marines, it is a typical thing - I snatch people up all the time. I had put my sister in that role and that is not anywhere she should be and that was very difficult for me because it is something that had manifested out of control and that's when I realized that I had definitely changed from these experiences and I needed to address them. I needed to get myself squared away and by God, that was not going to be the end of my Marine Corp career. That sniper didn't hit me for a reason and I was going to pursue what I was meant to do in the Marine Corp.

After three months, my sister and I, we didn't speak. I went from talking to her all the time - and she didn't want to talk to me and I understand why. It was during those three months, in the summer of 2005, that I started reaching out to resources. I was not going to let this injury change me. I found a vet center here in Washington, DC and went in and starting speaking to folks and found that, "Wow, I wasn't a victim. That this was a very common thing that many people deal with, and that you can handle these emotions, and you can control them, and you can continue to be very productive in your life." It was at that point that I flew out to Los Angeles where my sister was living at the time and I humbly begged for her forgiveness. I tried to explain to her and it was interesting because while I was out there I found out that she had done the exact same thing. She had sought treatment. She had been looking for someone with some answers and it was very difficult for her because she didn't have the same resources that I had. It was something that, you know, again...it is very uncomfortable for me to talk about and I apologize again. I was choking on a Jolly Rancher by the way. Alright, so, if anybody tells anyone that I started to water up, I'll choke you. (Laughter)

But the other aspect that I wanted to touch on, I've made some notes here also, is the aspect of emotional numbing. Obviously you can tell that I've kind of faded away over the past few years, but when I first came home from my deployment I had absolutely no emotions whatsoever and my beloved Aunt Elaine passed away two weeks after I came home. It was very awkward because at the funeral my sister was obviously there and we were not talking. That was when my family started to recognize that I had gone through many changes because I did not cry at my aunt's funeral - whatsoever. I could not conjure up the tears. I loved my Aunt Elaine to death, but I could not feel any emotion whatsoever.

And that is exactly what you want an individual to experience in combat. You want individuals to be at this point where they can just push forward at the most difficult times and be able to take care of those on their left or right but it's hard for them to flip that off when they come home. And it's okay to take some time and have that switch come back on - but it's important for the families to understand what you're going through and that you may be numb. And it's not because you're being a jerk and it's not because you don't care about anything. It's just because you're in a place where you're adjusting. It's very difficult to go from one day in the streets of Fallujah to four days later sitting on your sofa talking with your family and that makes things very difficult.

My girlfriend right now saw a fit of anger once and it's interesting because someone said something about traffic. Traffic can be the most frustrating thing in the world. I don't know what it is. But I think every veteran experiences how bad (Rt.) 66 is at 5:30 (am). I mean come on, it's worse than a Ramada Inn at Christmas (laughter). But she experienced it once when we had just moved in together and I was driving her car and we had a load of groceries in the back and everything else. We were getting ready for our exit and someone cut me off and slammed on the brakes and this roar come out of me out of nowhere and I remember looking over at her and she just had this look of like, "Where's Todd - where did he go?" And I realized that this is ridiculous. These bouts of anger are out of control and now she and I have sort of worked out this system. And it takes a lot of responsibility on my part. And this is something that I learned through the Vet's Center. We've come up with this system of almost code. When I'm in a situation where I'm feeling cornered or I'm not feeling comfortable where I'm at, it's very easy because I can just look at Sandra and when she sees me do this (grabs chin and pulls hand forward) it means "I'm going to leave and don't be mad or anything." I just need to remove myself from the current situation. She's also done the same for when she sees me starting to have my switch or whatnot; she can start to recognize it before I can. She can see me sort of start jittering or she can tell my comfort zone is being tapped into and so she has a symbol she does to me and she just pulls her ear back like that and that means, "Evaluate yourself right now. Figure out what you're doing." It works out great. Whether that's going to work for everybody, I don't know but for her and me it works out outstanding. The problem is when I used aftershave, I do this (pulls chin) a lot so she constantly thinks I'm freaking out (laughter). That sometimes makes things difficult.

I just returned from a deployment in Peru for four months. I was doing a humanitarian aid mission and it was very exciting for me because I often wondered after these experiences I had had after my deployments in Ira. I wondered would I be able to wear my uniform again, and leave my friends and family, and do these things? And I was so excited because I did. And I felt very comfortable. I didn't have any issues whatsoever and it made me realize that if you get the help that you need on whatever level it is, you can continue to be a contributing member to the Armed Services. It's just like a gun shot wound. You can treat it and you can continue to serve. Obviously there are varied levels of what people experience but it's very important.

One of the things that we're always working on at IAVA is the stigma amongst mental health. Why has it taken me three years to talk about these experiences? Well, the stigma is very strong. We're rough, tough Marines. We don't have emotions. Well, that's true in some cases but it's important to be able to reduce that stigma. One of the things that we have found is that the only way we are going to be able to truly reduce the stigma in regards to people seeking treatment along these lines is to make it mandatory, confidential counseling. Right now the military utilizes an electronic system called the Post Deployment Health Reassessment Form which is basically a sheet of what your experiences were. While this is a good screening process, the service men are still required to self-diagnose. I always laugh when I fill it out and then I sit down, across from somebody, and they say, "Do you need help?" And I say, "I dunno. Your name has MP after it. You're supposed to tell me." We are not able to self-diagnose ourselves and until there is a mandatory, across the board screening, we are not going to have that stigma removed.

To try and work with this, we at IAVA have partnered with Ad Council on a three year campaign to try and reduce the stigma amongst service members in the military. I invite you all to turn your TV's on this Veteran's Day because that's when that ad campaign will be launching. Our goal is not to make people look like victims. Our goal is to assume that these individuals are strong and just because they are dealing with these issues, there is nothing wrong with them. And that is something we are very excited for. It's going to be a print campaign and we're going to have web resources available for service members. It's going to be, across the board, what I believe will be the most effective elements to reduce stigma regarding mental health treatment out there.

One of the things that we've also learned about our members is that these conflicts have relied heavily on the National Guard Reserve. Approximately 40% of those who have been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan and surrounding countries have been from the National Guard and Reserves. When the gunning mentioned that there's people who sometimes fall through the cracks because they deploy with separate units, that's a very common occurrence. They come home and they do not have the resources to stay with their units and to have people keep an eye on them. That is why this mandatory screening for mental health would be required within 30 to 90 days upon their return. There are currently two pilot programs being run by the National Guard. One of them is in Maryland and I've been able to witness this reintegration program, first hand, and it is incredible. And we are hoping to make that hold across the country so that people will have these resources available when they come home and when they've started to realize that things are a little different now. And we want them to understand as a part of that step that there is nothing wrong with that little bit of difference in their life.

I think that's pretty much all I got on my chicken scratch here. But I'd like to just leave this note with everybody. What I've shared with you today and everything else is - it's common for many individuals. They have these experiences but it does not make them weaker in any shape or form. I'll go toe to toe with you guys right now. I'm proud of being in the Marine Corps. Just because I've had these experiences doesn't make me any less of a Marine and in some ways in my opinion, it makes me a better Marine. It allows me to face my injuries and to continue to serve. Thank you very much.